Hopeless

46-42-52
245 pounds.
Ugh!
Fat fucking piece of crap!

Emotional Eating Pitfalls

Boredom. Loneliness. Fear.

When I'm doing something tedious I start wanting to reach for something tasty. Something salty, crunchy, sometimes sweet.

When I'm watching TV alone and wish I had a friend with me, I want chocolate or something warm and melty.

When I'm afraid sometimes I want to reach for a comfort food that makes me feel safe.

This is probably pretty universal.

And emotional eating is a huge reason for the excess lard on my abdomen, butt and thighs.

Dichotomy and Jackie Chan

It is amazing how much I hate to throw up when I'm sick, considering that I sometimes force myself to throw up. I was innundated with vomiting, diarrhea and a fever on Sunday night into Monday morning. Oh, Joy!

In better news, the Jackie Chan instant green tea that I got at the health food store is great! You pour the powder into water and mix it. It is made with (duh) green tea powder and Stevia, a sweetener that is actually good for the pancreas.

While the Taste of Bile is Still Fresh

Yes, that's a gross title. Yes, I did it. I binged and purged.

I had a couple of donuts on my way home from work. I wouldn't have done it because of that. And its not about not accepting my plus size self, because I still do. I didn't even do it out of self hate. It seems to be mostly self doubt and habit.

One could rightfully say that I should see a shrink about this. But I can afford neither the money nor the time.

I am exhausted and desperately need to take time off work. But I can't afford to.

What triggered the binge and purge was dealing with the troll.

Cie needs to learn to deal with trolls in a more healthy way.

The troll isn't even making me hate myself at this point. The troll is a fucking joke. But I was surrounded by trolls growing up. I always comforted myself with food, maybe stuffed the hateful voice that said the trolls were right and I was shit back inside myself.

I started gaining weight so I started purging.

I simply couldn't allow the WHOLE CONTAINER of artichoke and cheese dip and the WHOLE BAG of rice crackers to remain in my stomach, on account of a troll.

It was stupid. It was habit. The troll isn't worth it. I, with my new little wardrobe of brightly colored, loose fitting clothes deserve better. I have too many health problems, both physical and mental, to coddle a troll.

So while the taste of bile is still fresh, I am making this promise to me.

Some of the Troll's more offensive antics that I put up with because I felt I "shouldn't be mean" by fighting back.

Read the comment by "anonymous" on this post. Thank you Brett and Dave for being in my corner!

You'll get 'em on this post too.

And more bullshit, although not as personal, on my recent "fun" post on my random acts of bullshit blog.

I'm through dealing with this fucking troglodyte. I shouldn't be harming myself for him or anyone else. It's a done deal.

My New Outfits

Why should being plus size keep a person from having fun buying clothes? Why should bigger people be relegated to wearing only dumpy clothes? It doesn't have to be so!

I've pretty much given up on the idea that I can lose weight. At this point I'm only trying not to gain more. But the cheerful, fun-loving attitude of the young, plus-size clerk at the Office Depot and the article I read stating that polls suggest that big people tend to be more charitable than people who are constantly frustrated by starving themselves into thinness (although I think the same would probably apply to naturally thin people who aren't always having to worry about what they eat and anyway, its just an article but it cheered me) I decided that for the time anyway, I don't give a fuck what the rest of the world thinks, I'm fine with being the way I am.

I went into the local Wal Phart (yes, I am mostly-white trash) to pick up a new pair of comfortable pants for work. I found a cute, bright orange warmup suit and a little t-shirt to go with it. I normally loathe shopping for clothes, but I was sort of having fun. I then spotted a scrub top printed with butterflies. I said to myself "that is so ME!"

You will never see this combination in Vogue or any of those other magazines that promote being scarily skinny. You will never see me wearing whatever is "fashionable" because I really don't give a shit what's fashionable. But for the first time in a long time I was able to be happy with the fact that comfortable, loose-fitting clothes are "me." I actually put on makeup this evening. I never wear heavy makeup but I hadn't worn any at all for a long time. Maybe its no big deal, but it kinda makes me feel like I'm taking care of myself.

I know that being bipolar this may just be hypomania. But I like the feeling of being ok with me.

What's Working, What Isn't

Current Weight: 240#

What's Working: The Glucophage seems to be. I go for longer periods without becoming hungry and I no longer constantly crave simple carbs. This is the only thing that I've really been doing differently, so I have to assume that the Glucophage finally started helping my body recognize its own insulin again. I'm not diabetic but I am insulin-resistant. Maybe not any more? That would be very cool because it's been hard for me to tell what this medication is doing, since in my case I've had only very mild dry mouth as a side effect.

What isn't Working: my high-tech water bottle. I like the feature that prevents spilling, and its very portable. It does NOT accurately track the amount that is consumed. I know that it's approximately 10 ounces every time I need to refill. And I simply can't do that 122 ounces per day crap. I drink more than the recommended 64 ounces most of the time without much prompting. There has to be a happy middle ground between dehydration and having to piss all the time. I'm sick of having to piss once an hour. But I do believe in proper hydration. So 64 ounces plus it is. Fuck this "by body weight" thing. You need more if you're working out intensely and in the case of certain medical conditions. Otherwise you might as well either insert a catheter or resign yourself to being glued to the terlet. Because that's where you'll be spending all your time.

We will see within the next few weeks how the decreased appetite and cravings will affect my weight, if at all.

Peace.

The Great Water Balloon

Week's starting weight: 241.5

(Resists temptation to call self Shamu)

Well, I did it. I drank 122 ounces of water yesterday. And all two of you who read this blog will be thrilled to read that I am grateful for Poise pads. It would have been wet spot on front of pants time if not for this handy invention. I have Slack Bladder anyway, and with the increase in liquids--well, you get the picture.

I don't feel quite as uncomfortable today, so maybe I'm getting used to it.

Besides, if I do manage to lose weight, I'll be able to drink less. Now, that's motivation!

I'm running in place for a minute every hour. May not sound like much, but I think it might be enough to rev up the shitty metabolism a little.

I worked out on this exercise bicycle that makes you use not only your legs but your arms last night. My arms are wimpy! I got through 20 minutes.

Will all this lead to me losing weight or will it simply be a lifelong struggle not to weigh 300 pounds like Great Grandma did. Damn, that would be frustrating!

I honestly don't need to be stick skinny. But if I can't lose a minimum of 10 pounds by next year this time, it's lap band time.

Waterlogged

I know being hydrated is good for you, but, come on, people! I got myself this new high tech water bottle that has a little computerized gadget on the outside that tells me according to my weight how much I'm supposed to drink and how much I have drunk. I am supposed to drink 124 ounces of water a day! I can't stop peeing and my stomach feels so distended that its about to explode! I'm trying to understand how the hell this could be good for me!

At Last!

Medical professionals are FINALLY paying attention to what all too many real people have known for all these years.

Article from MSN Health

Binge Eating Tops Other Eating Disorders: Survey

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The compulsive behavior is widespread and helps drive obesity epidemic, experts say
By Steven Reinberg, HealthDay Reporter

THURSDAY, Feb. 1 (HealthDay News) -- Binge eating tops the list of eating disorders affecting Americans, with the first-ever national survey on eating disorders finding it much more prevalent than either anorexia or bulimia.

Binge eating -- a condition where people undergo frequent, uncontrolled eating binges without purging -- affects 3.5 percent of women and 2 percent of men during their lifetime. The condition is strongly linked to obesity.

There have been previous studies that looked at the prevalence of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa in the population, "but for binge eating, there had been no previous studies," said lead researcher Dr. James I. Hudson, director of the Biological Psychiatry Laboratory at McLean Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

"These are really the first hard numbers for the prevalence of this disorder," he said during a teleconference to announce the findings on Wednesday.

According to the new survey, binge eating is more common than either anorexia nervosa, which strikes 0.9 percent of women and 0.3 percent of men, or bulimia nervosa, which affects 1.5 percent of women and 0.5 percent of men.

Binge eating "is associated with severe obesity and all the complications of obesity," Hudson said. "And, it's often chronic."

That said, the rates of all eating disorders have been increasing, according to Hudson. "In addition, eating disorders are related to mood disorders, anxiety disorders, impulse control disorders and substance use disorders," he noted.

More troubling is the fact that less than half of those with a history of an eating disorder said they had ever received treatment, Hudson said.

In the survey, Hudson's team collected data on almost 9,300 people from across the United States who participated in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Among those interviewed, 3,000 answered questions about eating disorders. The report is published in the February issue of Biological Psychiatry.

The researchers found that the average duration of anorexia was 1.7 years, compared with 8.3 years for bulimia and 8.1 years for binge eating disorder.

"Binge eating is a true eating disorder. It is a major public health problem," Hudson said. "There is a strong genetic component to binge eating disorder and, because of this, we might be able to treat or prevent binge eating and thereby prevent many cases of obesity."

One expert believes the survey will bring more attention to eating disorders, prompting the U.S. government to spend more dollars in research on the causes and treatment of these conditions.

"These results back up things that groups like ours have been saying for the past several years," said Marc Lerro, executive director of the Eating Disorders Coalition. "There has been relatively little definitive research done on eating disorders."

Lerro is happy to see that these conditions are getting more recognition. "People with eating disorders are compromised in how they interact in school, in the workplace," Lerro said. "For some, it's really a disabling condition that sometimes leads to death."

That binge eating is the major problem did not surprise Lerro. "The stereotype that [people with] eating disorders are just pencil-thin girls is really not comprehensive," he said.

Lerro believes the federal government should be keeping track of the number of people in the United States who suffer from eating disorders. This year, the U.S. government is spending only $21 million on research into treatments for eating disorders, he said.

"This survey is really a wakeup call for the federal government to do more, like counting the number of people who die each year due to an eating disorder, counting the number of people who are struggling with eating disorders, and funding research to determine what is effective in treating eating disorders," Lerro said.

Another expert believes that eating disorders are even more common than the survey suggests.

"Eating disorders are more common than many people realize, and the prevalence is increasing," said Dr. Ellen Rome, head of the section on adolescent medicine at the Cleveland Clinic. "If you look at all of mental health, the spectrum of eating disorders is among the most commonly found health challenges that individuals face."

Moreover, people with eating disorders also have many social problems related their condition, "from shame, guilt, denial, the egocentricity of the illness that doesn't let them see how it's affecting their lives," Rome said.

Binge eating is closely tied in with the U.S. obesity epidemic, Rome added. "We see any form of disorder eating as a maladaptive coping strategy," she said. "Eighty percent of obesity is genetic. So, genetics loads the gun. And the prevalence of binge eating goes hand-in-hand with obesity as one contributing factor. Many people use binge eating to fill up an empty space."

Rome also believes that more funding is needed to study the causes and treatments of eating disorders, including the genetic and social components of the problem and what treatments work best.

"We are just scratching the surface," she said. "We need better treatments across the whole spectrum from under-eating to obesity. There is just so much more we need to know."

There's more on eating disorders at the U.S. National Mental Health Information Center.

FOAD

To all the diet experts out there:

FUCK OFF AND DIE!

I don't even care if you're right at this point. I'm sick as hell of getting to where I'm following your guidelines and then you change it.

The latest stickler is the amount of water I should drink.

I've finally gotten myself to the point where I drink 8 glasses a day, only to hear that it really should be ELEVEN glasses.

Well, you can stick a Krispy Kreme donut where the sun don't shine!

I don't like water. But I'm drinking 64 ounces of it a day. I also drink two or three cups a day of decaf coffee or tea, sometimes a cup of soy milk, sometimes a cup of cocoa. I sip water at intervals during the day as well as drinking my measured amounts. So piss off!

On to the number of servings of vegetables and fruits we should have a day.

Yeah, you're probably right.

But I'm sick of hearing about it anyway.

And the amount of exercise. First 30 minutes a day three times a week was enough. I never felt like it was so I was aiming for 60 minutes five times a week. But easy to moderate isn't good enough. It has to be amped up pulse pounding heart exploding in your chest exertion.

Go fuck yourself.

If I'm out of bed and dressed, I've accomplished something.

I am right now resisting the damn chocolate Zingers in the vending machine. If I can resist for two more hours I will go home and have something better than that.

And that's an accomplishment.

Today all the diet experts can kiss my fat ass!

Could It Be?

Last Weight: 239.5#

Today's Weight: 240#

What I did Right: Stuck with my Yoga program

What I did Wrong: Just about everything else

Could something be starting to stabilize? Maybe the Kundalini Yoga program I do 3 days a week is starting to make a difference. This stuff ain't easy! You may think that just because there's no impact on the joints and you aren't running about like a berserker that it's wimpy, but far from it! The Five Tibetan Rites? I call 'em the Five Tibetan Rites of Death, because you'll feel like you're dying unless you're an advanced yogi! Even the beginner stuff is tough, especially on the arms. It's all really great for the spine and circulation. I have to modify a couple of the moving poses because of my bad lower back, but it sure feels great when it's over!

I fucked off this weekend as far as recording what I ate and drank and how many times I took a whiz. Sometimes I get really sick of writing all this shit down and incredibly resentful. In my wildest dreams I never would have imagined that one day I'd be 90 pounds overweight, having to write down every morsel I put in my mouth, unable to drink even a sip of alcohol, suffering from slack-bladder and sometimes constipation.

The great thing about doing the yoga exercises on my own as opposed to in a class?

Aside from not having to pay out the wazoo, if the cheese is cut, then no-one's the wiser. Especially helpful during those belly-crunching poses!

The human body really is a disgusting item. It's a wonder we can stomach being near each other long enough to breed!

Chicken Fajita Casserole

Yesterday's Weight: 240

Today's Weight: 239.5

On the lighter side of things, here is a recipe I created myself. It is a low-carb recipe, but I am not low-carb dieting. I don't believe in cutting out any vital component of one's diet and carbs are necessary for brain function! However, it is better to get them from vegetable and whole-grain sources. Not that I always do by any means.

I cook this in a convection oven, but a regular oven will do too. I cannot vouch for your oven cooking food evenly or not burning it, however!

You will need:

1 medium zucchini

3 oz. spiced chicken fajita meat (I use Schwan's, but if you have a recipe for your own, that will do. I believe they also sell pre-spiced fajita meat in the freezer section of most grocery stores.)

1/2 medium bell pepper, chopped coarsely

16 oz can Stewed tomatoes

1/2 cup Shredded Mexican cheese blend (I like Horizon)

2 tbsp sour cream

1/2 avocado blended with diced chiles, lemon juice and garlic salt to taste, or 2 tbsp guacamole

2 tbsp olive oil

Pre-heat oven to 450 degrees. Cut zucchini into four quarters. Add 3 oz of chicken. Cook pulp side down in olive oil for 10 minutes. Turn zucchini onto skin side. Add stewed tomatoes and bell pepper. Top with shredded cheese. Cook for 20 minutes. Garnish with sour cream and avocado mix or guacamole. Makes 2 meal-size servings or four side-dish servings.

I like this because it contains vegetables, proteins and monounsaturated fat from the avocado. Avocados have gotten a bad rap because they're so high in fat but they are actually quite healthy. I'm really trying hard to eat more veggies.

If you try it, let me know what you think! I'm not a very good cook, so I like to prepare things that are simple but tasty.

Is PCOS the Problem?

Today's Weight: 240.5
Yesterday's Weight: 240.5
What I did right today: didn't cut
What I did wrong: Was hateful towards myself

Is PCOS part of my problem? Read about my last-ditch effort to find a relatively non-drastic solution for my problem (before considering options such as a lap band) here.

My imagination is one of my favorite things about me, but it can also conjure up some terrible stuff. Warning: Graphic and disturbing descriptions follow.

I was not having a very good day. Before going to work I was lying in the tub, thinking that I looked like a fucking beached manatee. A manatee is a wonderful animal, but very few humans want to look like a manatee. I was disgusted by the sickening mountain of pink flesh that I saw before me. I lay in the water with my eyes closed wishing that I had a scalpel so I could cut away all the unwanted horror that is the whale blubber of my disgusting body. I imagined cutting into the flesh, the blood oozing out from the layers of globby yellow fat that would follow. I watched myself in my mind cutting and cutting, and once the globby yellow ugliness was gone, I would cut away the flesh that makes me the horrible, worthless person that I am. I know it isn't truly my flesh but my mind that makes me such a valueless piece of shit. Yet if I disappear down to a skeleton, no-one will know how ugly I really was. Finally I remain, only a red skeleton with staring eyes and strands of what once was my flesh upon my bones. I take a hammer and shatter myself. None of this worthless excuse for a soul left at all.

I really hate myself sometimes.

My Apology

Yesterday's Weight: 241.5#

Today's Weight: 240#

What I did right today: Worked on some stuff I enjoyed for the hell of it.

What I did wrong: I'm having a latte and a chocolate bar (albeit healthy chocolate) for my midnight meal.

This is an apology I posted to myself on "Joe Apology." It's a great blog where you can leave an anonymous apology for just about anything.

To My Body
I'm sorry to my body.

Sorry for neglecting to care for you properly. For stuffing you too full of food because I felt out of control of my life. For neglecting to exercise you properly. I'm sorry its so hard for me to get my eating under control. I'm sorry for the times in the past that I made myself throw up because of my bingeing. I'm sorry that I'm 100 pounds overweight and I know it sounds like an excuse, but it's so hard to stop eating when I feel so sad about everything. I keep trying and failing. I really am sorry.

I really mean it. And I'm really trying. But sometimes it's hard.

I need to start exercising regularly again. I actually like exercising. This schedule is just a real bastard and I'm not as resilient as I used to be physically.

But no excuses. I intend to do it right if it freakin' kills me!

Ups and Downs

Today's Weight: 239#

Yesterday's Weight: 240#

Positive thing I did today: Ate lots of vegetables

Negative thing I did today: Ate several servings of sugary things

Feel: Awful (physically speaking)

I haven't had nearly enough sleep and am in a quandry. I know it's good to get out in the sun for at least a short while and the dogs need about an hour walk. But when I walk them in the morning, I don't sleep. And there isn't enough time to walk them before sunset due to picking son up at school, chiropractic appointment, making dinner, etc. So right now I am the walking dead after 4 hours of broken-up sleep.

Those damn Vienna Finger cookies are deadly, but I felt like I needed sugar in order to get enough of a burst of energy to drive to pick my son up. They are 150 calories for two. I only ate two, but I was still a bit pissed at myself. I didn't dare drink the latte, which would have been a wiser choice, because then I WOULD have to piss halfway through the half-hour drive. I have middle-aged medical personnel bladder, meaning I have to go all the time because I've streched my bladder out too much by holding my water for too long in my younger years.

I'm doing ok right now but would really enjoy something cheesy, melty and SATISFYING!

Good Day

Yesterday's weight: 241.5#

Today's weight: 240#

I guess I'm getting used to drinking this much water. I actually start wanting it, so maybe my thirst mechanism is coming back. Is there such a thing as a thirst mechanism?? Problem is, I hate having to pee all the time!

I managed to stay under 2000 calories today. 2000 calories sounds like a lot of food. So why do I feel like I'm starving??

The Gruesome Truth

Yesterday's Weight: 243#
Today's Weight: 241.5#
What I did right today: Walked dogs for an hour in the sun.
What I did wrong today: Binged/Purged

What I know for a fact is that I have some control over will-power, as in, I will exercise, but very little over won't power as in, I won't eat that.

I was so upset and horrified when I stepped on the scale yesterday and saw my weight at 243 pounds. The self hate immediately set in. I'd been trying very very hard for the previous three days. Writing down what I ate, watching portion sizes, drinking enough water to float a battleship. Then I had a bad day and ate, literally, an extra serving of rice sembei crackers with some spreadable cheese for dip, and I had some chocolate mint pie for dessert. This caused immediate weight gain. I hated myself for what I'd done but couldn't bear the thought of never agian being able to eat what I loved. Food has been my companion for too many years. I shit you not when I say that I think that good food is way better than sex. If I had the choice between being able to eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight or have incredible sex anytime I wanted, I'd be the feasting celibate! There are people reading this who will think I'm crazy, which is your prerogative. This isn't your blog. I'm telling it how it is.

I couldn't stop thinking about the damn chocolate mint pie and I couldn't stop thinking about my great grandmother, who was five feet tall and weighed 300 pounds. I hated myself. Fucking hated myself. But when I got home from work at 9 this morning, I had to have some more of the chocolate mint pie.

I couldn't stop at one slice. I stopped at two. But that's still 1000 calories. So I did something I haven't done in nearly 15 years. I purged.

"We've got to do this," I told myself, which is exactly the way I always talk to myself when I'm about to do it. "We can't get any fatter, but I know we can't resist the good food."

I know why. Sharing good food was one of the few times when I truly felt loved in my family. But if you didn't clean your plate, you were insulting the cook. I can remember at seven years old, eating until I threw up. Then I ate some more because I didn't want to appear rude. I threw up a lot as a child, and not just because of overeating. But this is another story.

I was in the bathroom and kneeling before the Porcelain God. I stuck my finger down my throat but in spite of my sensitive gag reflex, got very little result. I ended up sticking damn near my whole hand down there, roto rooter style until I caused some results. My fingers were slimy and my eyes were tearing.

"That was pretty good," I told myself, "but you can do better! Come on, make me proud! I'll be so proud of you if you do this right!"

You'd think I was about to win the fucking nobel prize or something. Forcing myself to vomit is the only time I've ever felt proud of myself. I really accomplished something. I stopped my fat body from absorbing more calories. Don't think I'm not aware of how twisted and sad this is.

When I was unable to bring much more up, I told myself "that was weak! We have to do better next time! But it was ok for a first in 15 years."

I have said that I will only purge when I overeat, or when I eat dessert. I wonder if I will ever get things under control. I am ashamed of my pride for this action.

The Bare-Assed Truth

I just want to take my fat, depressed ass home and eat the damn mint cream pie that is in my refrigerator!

I will not buy a mint cream pie again.

I hate myself and want to die.

Trolls and haters fuck off. Don't bother with your shitty snide comments. You don't know how it is.

Sometimes God Does Make Junk

The fact is, I'm a fat piece of shit that can't control my stupid body or my stupid emotional eating. So what sense does it have to have a diet blog? None, that's what. This is a Diet Failures blog.

Look at me, I'm far from a Size 2.

I drink enough water to float a fucking battleship.

I've been eating on average about 500 less calories than I had been eating.

I had one day where I slipped up, and I gained a pound! I haven't lost an ounce from the good stuff I was doing.

Who the fuck wouldn't want to give up.

I don't feel "sexy."

I don't want "sexy" to be my goal.

I think sexy is a completly worthless attribute.

I think that part of the reason I got fat in the first place is because I didn't like being looked at in a sexual way.

I'm fucking sick of lugging around an extra 100 pounds. I'm sick as hell of hating myself. But I can't seem to stop.

Am I doomed to be like my great grandmother who weighed 300 pounds until she got leukemia?

Beginning to look that way.

I'm already at 243. And gaining.

Dead Blog

I've decided that this blog is redundant because most of my issues surrounding food are emotional, so I have chosen to post about this subject in my abnormal psych blog, aka the Bipolar Bitch Fest when they come up. But I will leave this blog here because I never throw anything out.

That would be another psych issue.