Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is being kind to oneself. When I look at people, whatever their size, I see people. Thin or heavy are only attributes such as hair, eye or skin color to me. I enjoy the diversity in people's appearances. However, when it comes to myself, I'm completely brutal. It's very difficult for me to lose weight (and I admit that sometimes my habits aren't the best!) I need to lose 80-100 pounds to be happy with my weight. That isn't to get down to some twig weight like 100 pounds. It's to be at 140-160 pounds. Just so you know that I'm not being unrealistic or trying to look like Nicole Richie. Who, by the way, looks like she's 60 years old! There is nothing wrong with looking 60 when you are 60. There's something wrong with it when you're not even 30. I hope this gal gets help. Being that emaciated is far from healthy!
It is hard for me to look in the mirror and say, "hey, there is Cie, a cool, creative person who loves to write and who tries to win the fight against bipolar disorder every day. Cie wants the world to be a good place for everybody. She wants everybody to have a good time with their life." Good stuff, Maynard. But it's hard for me not to instead say "ugh! You fat, disgusting, unattractive tub of lard!"
What if I'm always overweight? Will it make me a failure as a human being?
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3 comments:
One year in my life I got really determined and lost about 80 pounds. But everyone who knew me acted very strangely toward me saying I looked sick and asked if I had AIDS. I got so much static from others that I just let the weight come back.
Sometimes you've just gotta say, what the hell?
I would like to lose 80 pounds. But between my underactive thyroid, the Lithium and the fact that I just plain like food, it would take either a miracle or having AIDS to be able to do so!
Well...I don't exactly want to be seen as an ogre!
And I don't want guys to ogle me. The truth is I hate sex. I like men, find them attractive, but I don't like sex. I'm not attracted to women, so it's not that I'm gay.
And I don't want to be emotionally involved. Given my prior suicidal behavior it's way too dangerous. I can't bear being betrayed.
So it's not like I'm looking for someone to find me "hot." I'm just wanting to look in the mirror and not be disgusted.
I just would like to conquer this fat problem. Maybe it's just a sick need to win at all costs. Mind over matter. I don't exert this on other people. Only on myself. And then I am relentless!
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